(Pending)

7/22/2008

Dreams Past

Jesus, and on the tail of that last entry, three dreams about Dani last night. As if it wasn't hard enough moving on without my subconscious screaming "Do this!" at me.

Posted at 11:06 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

7/20/2008

Futile Rage

Another day, another batch of missed opportunities, another lonely night.

I don't know which I hate more; being so goddamn shy it's all but crippling in any kind of social setting, or living in a culture where the expected norm is for the male to be the "aggressor." 'Course, it doesn't help any the girls I'm usually most attracted to are usually the ones I have the least chance with, if only because they're cute enough other guys who have no such social malfunction take notice as well and move in while I watch helplessly from inside my fucking mental prison.

Maybe it's a copout, but I keep hoping I'll someday meet a girl who throws convention to the wind and approaches me. If I'm engaged first I'm perfectly capable of holding my own in a conversation, it's just getting up the courage to make the first move that takes me out of the game.

I wonder how much it would cost to just pick up and move to, say, Boston or Providence. I don't have any illusions about running away solving any of my problems, but at this point I just need to do something before I go insane.

God damn it I hate sometimes.

Posted at 04:02 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

2/20/2008

Cool Change

I suppose it's been long enough now, I can post an update on what little has changed for those few interested.

Things continue much as they have the past several months. The end of this last semester saw me finally done in by my underachiever streak. After failing out of most of my classes due to not doing the homework (I learned the material and participated in discussions, of course), I received a friendly letter from the college's financial aid department after registering for classes this semester informing me they didn't care to keep giving money to someone who doesn't seem particularly keen on turning a profit on their investment. That being the case, I ended up being faced with the mutually exclusive possibilities of dropping my classes or paying for them out of my own pocket, and taking into account my paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle over the past few months I opted for the former. I still work at the college part time as a lab aide, putting in 29 hours/week and making roughly $500 with each check. It's not a great living, but it's a bit more than enough to get by; and in the wake of the holidays things have finally calmed down enough I'll be able to start building up my savings again, starting with my upcoming check to be received on Friday.

As for whether I'll resume college at some point in the future, I'm not really sure. I love to learn, and the academic atmosphere sometimes found in a college setting is like my personal Shangri-La, but I'm afraid I make a terrible student. In addition, through I don't want to go into details until I know if/how things are going to work out, I've recently been offered a position of a sort in a business which could see me earning enough money to move and live outside the U.S. without the need for a degree. I'm a bit anxious about the whole deal, as the type of work involved isn't exactly within my area of expertise (inasmuch as I have one), but it is an interesting subject, and the person who made the offer is both convinced I could make it work and willing to help me accomplish that, which is encouraging. More to the point, though it wouldn't necessarily be an immediate thing, if I do take to it as this person believes I could it may well make possible the type of life I so fiercely wish to live. The value and "responsibility" of a college degree aside, I'd be a fool to pass up such an opportunity.

[Official News Anchor Voice*]

Finally, we come to the "feel good" portion of our show. For four years, your friend/brother/object of ridicule has searched in vain for the companionship virtually all humans crave. Finally, after nearly dispairing of ever meeting with success so long as he remained in the inhospitable land of Utah, woodsmoke has struck gold.

[/Official News Anchor Voice]

Put more plainly, I'm twitterpated. Seems Eros has finally seen fit to send some good fortune my way in the form of the cutest damn self-proclaimed hippy chick I've ever laid eyes on. Yes, that's right, we met online. For those of you who haven't noticed yet, my name is Woody, and I'm a geek.This means I don't do so well in the bar/club scene most people of a more extrovert persuasion use to meet others and make new friends. That aside, the important thing is we met and hit it off immediately, which quickly transitioned into getting along famously, and we've since kicked it up a notch to spending ridiculous amounts of time together and using each other as a pillow/comforter. Sleeping, as it turns out, has something in common with videogames, in that they're both similar to sex. Sure, it can be fun alone, but the full experience requires at least two people. The very best part is she likes kids the same way I do--no, not basted in honey barbeque sauce and slow-roasted over an open wood fire (though that is delicious), but when they belong to someone else. Well, that and the fact she's just as determined to travel the world as I am. If I were more the spiritual/religious type, I'd almost say it was fate.

Anyway, that's the news for now. I was hoping to have this all typed out and posted by midnight so I could get my ass to bed, but of course it never works out that way. Take care, folks. And remember, I'm pullin' for ya'. We're all in this together.

Posted at 23:19 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

1/1/2008

Seeing Red

Okay, I know I'm almost 6 years too late, but I feel it simply has to be asked.

Damn it, Joss, why Tara? WHY?!

'Course, I know why. It's the same reason as he gave for Wash. 'Cause it had to be somebody, and nobody would have suspected her.

You're lucky we love you so much, Joss. If we didn't, we'd probably have to kill you. You are a cruel man and master.

Posted at 21:58 by woodsmoke
(2) whistling zephyrs spooked

12/17/2007

Humble Pie

Cross-posted from MySpace:

So, wouldn't you know it, turns out these here interwebs are not a private communication medium and everyone can do a good, thorough read of everything I write--especially those things I shouldn't have. That being the case, though I'm probably no better at expressing my appreciation than I am at not making an ass of myself in the first place, may I just say how fortunate I am to have friends who understand things on a more personal, less abstract level than I do.

Case in point (and the motivating factor for this entry): the short conversation I had with one of my friends hereon after s/he commented to me on my picture from the pig roast. I don't want to go into details for fear of indicting or unwittingly offending anyone (else); suffice to say, I stuck my foot in my mouth But Good(tm). I wrote something in a way which, I've recently been informed, potentially can be, probably will be and very possibly should be understood in a context not exactly flattering to those people gracious enough to compliment me on my fairly recent change in hair style.

It was practically suggested the most adviseable course of action would be to simply delete the offending material, but I'm afraid I've never been very good at taking advice (good advice in particular, it sometimes seems), and the whole thing has motivated me to think about things outside my usual scope of contemplation, and in different ways. Plus, for better or worse, I believe in addressing my problems directly and try to live according to that standard, even if it's sometimes not the most prudent course of action. So, without further ado:

Of course I didn't intend it to be understood that way, and at the time I wrote it I honestly never considered the possibility it would only take a few clicks for anyone who might be interested to see my foolish arrogance. I'm not aware that I've never been the kind of person others keep tabs on (I'm neither interesting nor important enough), and the internet has always been my free, unfettered playground where I could speak whatever's on my mind with no fear of meatspace recrimination.

In hindsight, I realize now it was only a matter of time until my attitude and behavior came back to bite me in the ass. The unpleasant truth is I'm kind of an arrogant bastard. I'm usually pretty good at keeping it in check, but I honestly believe I'm more intelligent than most of the people around me at just about any given time, and sometimes that shows through. Probably more often than I realize.

That's not to say I think I'm "better" than those around me. One of the little advantages that comes with being this intelligent is realizing I don't know everything, and I can learn something from every person I meet (even if that sometimes means learning what not to do. Fortunately, I haven't encountered any of those in a blessedly long time). Arrogance, however, is still arrogance, and, I'm sure, equally unendearing regardless of the degree.

So here I sit, humbled once again over a matter I never realized could be a source of humility, and once again by an agent I never would have expected of delivering it. Of course, isn't that how it always works? It's incredible times and people like this move even me to feel some small pride in and hope for humanity.

To those I offended with my thoughtless statements, I offer my most profound apologies. If I had realized the possible ramifications thereof I definitely wouldn't have written them. I would never intentionally offend anyone I don't believe richly deserves it, and the person(s) who brought it to my attention most assuredly doesn't belong in that camp, but as the saying goes, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

That said, I'd also like to thank you all for sticking with me even when I exhibit such spectacular displays of pigheadedness, and for pointing it out to me when I'm being a jackass. Even Steve, who I'm sure is going to have a field day with this.

Take care, folks. I'm off to bed early, hopefully to prevent being sick.

Posted at 19:19 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

11/25/2007

The Unwritten Rule

After getting a response to this on Ex-C wherein a close friend of mine seems to have gotten from the "correct" answer in my previous entry the idea my brother might think that way because he'd be trying to "protect" our sister, I've realized I may have inadvertently given the wrong impression with the previous entry.

By way of explanation, after myself the brother in question is far and away the most liberal and libertine member of my immediate family. While he's probably similar to D in just not wanting to hear about it, I doubt the idea of our sister scoring some action disturbs him any more than it does me. What I believe does disturb him is the idea of that action coming from a personal friend.

To give a bit of background for context, I recently got the number of a girl I met through my friend who he's been jonesing for since the day he met her (I also think she's very attractive, but though we get along well enough in the limited interactions we have, we both realize our personalities are such if we ever spent any significant amount of time together sans the moderating presence of our friend or alcohol we'd kill each other). We've spoken at some length about her, and he's admitted several times to knowing full well he has no chance at anything more than friendship with her. Despite this, however, when he learned I had then used her number to contact her directly and invite her to the party last night, he got upset and asked me not to contact her myself anymore, explaining it would be similar to him contacting one of my ex-girlfriends without telling/clearing it with me. I then responded I honestly wouldn't care if he did that, as evidenced by the fact he did ask out an ex-girlfriend of mine in the past and it never bothered me in the least--to the contrary, I congratulated him and hoped things would work out for them where they hadn't with she and I.

At any rate, the girl never showed up, and my friend and I discussed the situation after he got to the party last night. We pretty much agreed he believes in and abides by an unwritten rule that, where romance is concerned, one's family and ex-(girl/boy)friends (and even friends or acquaintances one has a futile interest in) are off limits. From that perspective, if I or any other friend were to date or be in any way intimate with one of those people, he would feel that rule had been broken and his trust somehow betrayed (despite also admitting he'd be at a total loss to explain exactly how). In my experience, the great majority of people also seem to believe and abide by this rule.

Speaking for myself, on the other hand (and as I said above); in my mind there is no such rule. I wouldn't have a problem with any of my friends crossing that imaginary boundary--and I can say this with personal authority, having experienced 2/3 of the above in the past (friend with ex-girlfriend and friend hooking up with her before I could) and having come to terms with it and moved on with the friendship in both cases with little to no intervening drama. If it's my sister, she's a big girl. If it's an ex-girlfriend, that relationship is obviously over and there's no reason for my friend to deny his feelings out of some noble but misplaced sense of loyalty to me. If it's a girl I'm interested in romantically and my buddy asks her out before I do (or after I've been denied, or she asks him, or circumstances work out in any other way to the effect they hook up rather than me), not only is it at least half my own fault for not trying to make something happen sooner, it's once again a case of the girl being responsible enough to make her own decisions.

The thought suddenly occurs the reason I don't live by this rule is I not only acknowledge but wholly embrace the fact "it takes two to tango." When my friend says he would feel betrayed if I were to date a girl he like(s/d), at no point does any real consideration of her thoughts or feelings on the matter enter his mind. Never mind any possibility of her having thought it through or feeling the same way I do, all he sees is me "betraying his trust." Whereas when he asked out my ex-girlfriend all those years ago, I remember thinking she must see something she likes in him, and especially now we were no longer together it was in no way my place to try to have any kind of say in who she (c/sh)ould and (c/sh)ouldn't date.

Going back to my brother, I'd suspected the motivation for his asking me that question was learning of this conversation I'd had with my friend, and though I doubt I'll ask him about it, I'm confident now my suspicion was correct. The disconnect between us seems to have been the fact I focused more on my sister's part in the situation while his focus was entirely upon the friend.

Posted at 19:25 by woodsmoke
(1) whistling zephyrs spooked

What would you do?

So last night my brother and his girlfriend discovered yet another thing about me which they seem to think needs to be "fixed." I don't know what led to it, but at the party he asked me what I would do if my best friend got a blow job from my sister.

My answer: Nothing. She's a big girl, and she can take care of and make decisions for herself. She doesn't need me looking over her shoulder in some pretentious, overbearing and patronizing patriarchal "protector" role any more than I need her doing the reverse.

Apparently, however, this was the "wrong" answer. As near as I can tell, I should instead place all responsibility for the event solely upon my friend, whom I should then pursue and confront about it (presumably full of "righteous anger") as if my sister's own feelings and formidable cognitive abilities simply don't exist--or, at least, played no role whatsoever in their doing the tango.

I'll admit, at present and with all I know, I simply can't see this as anything but misguided and rooted in ignorance. However, I'm open to discussing the subject, and I'm genuinely curious about others' thoughts thereupon.

Posted at 14:06 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

10/13/2007

Blast from the Past

Fair warning, I've been mulling over this one for a week now, and it's got a lot of personal history and introspection behind it, so this entry may be somewhat long and and almost certainly rather self-involved. If you're not in the mood to read the emotional broodings of someone who usually doesn't do much emotional brooding, this'll be one to skip.

That said...

Last weekend, after Ty's b-day party suddenly wrapped up rather earlier than we'd expected, I was roped into going to Tooele for the second time in as many days. I had been out doing laundry and visiting my folks--which are usually my only reasons for going, and the former only until I can figure out what I need to do to help Steve set up the washer/dryer at our house--the day before, and quite frankly I moved to Sandy specifically to get away from that Small Town Hell, so I wasn't exactly ecstatic about the idea.

We went to Trax, the only pseudo-club in the county (never mind the city), to meet up with one of Phil's girlfriends. Nothing of note happened until I suddenly noticed a friend (also an ex-girlfriend, but I identify her with the former) there whom I haven't seen in several years, and whom I never would have expected to see at a bar. Turns out she's changed a bit since we'd last spoken. She drinks socially now and has forsaken abstinence land, and... well, to preface; I've always been attracted to her, and it may have summat to do with the fact I haven't seen her in so long or I'm so keenly feeling the misery of a chronic case of Single, but, quite simply, she looked incredible.

We spoke a bit, asked the requisite "what's going ons" and "what have you been up tos," I chimed in with the "who are you and what have you done with (my friend)" the situation demanded (to which she replied "I got her drunk"); she noticed my distinct lack of hair volume from the last time we saw each other and I was totally oblivious to her own haircut until she pointed it out (though I lucked into it not appearing that way). Then I come to find out her boyfriend, whom I've yet to even meet, apparently doesn't quite think I'm the gods' gift to Earth. Fair enough, no surprise there, but when I asked her why she replied because I "made her feel comfortable with herself."

Cue cognitive dissonance.

Search me as to why that would be a reason to dislike your SO's ex. Lord knows I've been enough of an ass to her over the years (and in reference to some episodes that's putting it very nicely) he should have plenty of more conventionally understandable reasons to develop a less-than-polished opinion of me, it seems odd he would latch on to that one. By way of explanation, she informed me she was no longer a virgin when she started dating him--which, apparently, is sufficient cause to make some guys upset. Once again, search me; I can't fathom why this would be considered a bad thing by anyone who doesn't have their head stuck up the ass of conservative ignorance. I honestly prefer to date women who've already gotten over their virginity so I don't have to deal with the bullshit mythology our culture has built up around it and she doesn't have to be the unfortunate victim of my merciless dispelling thereof. Editor's note: perhaps here could be found a clue explaining part of the reason our lonely friend is in said state.

Author's note: Punch editor.

Anyway, moving on...

After our little chat we separated while she got a drink, and a little while later I was rather unceremoniously pulled away from my friends and on to what passes for the dance floor at Trax, where she proceeded to "dance" with me in what may be the most wonderful fashion ever devised. Suffice to say, Pour Some Sugar On Me may have worked its way into my personal top 10.

The night progressed with us getting to chat a bit more every now and then, her running a finger along my spine or a hand through my hair every time she passed and me watching her somewhat intently� every time she stepped on to the dance floor. If it weren't for my near certainty she has no idea I even have a blog, much less where it is (I just won't even go into desire to read it), I would be somewhat loathe to state we both acted rather like her boyfriend is simply a figment of others' imaginations. Eventually it came time for Ty and I to leave, and that's when the thinking began.

When she'd told me at the beginning of the night she's no longer a virgin, she went on to explain she hadn't told me because she knows how much it frustrates me the same thing happened with my ex--I had done my best to help both of them see themselves the way I saw them rather than through the psychological negative self-image filter they had when I met them, and in both cases the relationship had ended before I could "reap the rewards" of my efforts, so to speak (and gods, but I feel terrible stating it like that). In the ex's case I kept in touch with her afterward, and thus was party to that knowledge. Being as I was 18, just long enough off the action train to be feeling the lack and still about as stupid as I've ever been when dealing with women, I was feeling "a little bit" of resentment.

Thing is, when my friend told me this it was like a light bulb suddenly went on inside my head. The reason I'd felt the resentment toward my ex and her current boyfriend was the root of my attraction to her had always been purely physical. Sure, we get along well enough if we force ourselves to, but really, when we're not flirting or fooling around we have virtually no common ground upon which to build a real, substantial relationship. As such, on the subconscious level all I'd ever really wanted from her was physical gratification (which is not to say I was intentionally using her; there was desire and ignorance aplenty in our relationship, but never malice), and when someone else got that instead of me, I felt (however falsely) betrayed.

In the case of my friend, however--well, I should think the way I refer to each woman speaks for itself. When she told me I'd had a hand in her becoming comfortable with herself, I felt a burst of pride and an intense gratitude. Pride because I was so very proud of her for having grown to that point, and gratitude because I'm so very grateful to have played a supporting part in that process. I don't mean to derrogate my ex, but physical attraction aside my friend and I have always shared huge levels of geekiness, a proudly sarastic sense of humor, a talent for and love of debating, similar personalities and any number of common interests. It's why, as I pointed out, we've remained friends despite all the stupid shit I've done while I've since come to see my ex as merely that.

It's also why I haven't been able to get her out of my head since that chance encounter at Trax last week. Every time we see/speak to each other after a long period of no contact, we tell each other how much we miss "arguing" with the other, how much we miss the company of someone as sarcastic as we are, who'll laugh at one barb and shoot back with another rather than take unintenteded offense or simply miss the joke altogether. This time was no exception, and I'm still feeling that now. My roommates are both great guys with whom I can trade sarcastic remarks all day, and my buddy who lives in West Valley and who I've known practically since I was old enough to form memories is excellent for just hanging out and shooting the shit or playing games with, but--well, it's not that I enjoy her company more, so much as she is her own unique experience, just like they are.

I finally managed to catch her at home the other day, and I learned she made the same "mistake" I did my first semester; taking 15+ credit hours of classes and working (except she's working full time!), so she barely has time to breathe, let alone hang out with her (ex-boy)friend who she hasn't heard from in years and who, up to this point, has been a "shining example" of human potential and positive behavior (I don't know as I'll ever understand how I "made her feel comfortable"; I was usually too busy trying to get into her pants and often acting like a total ass afterward regardless of whether she allowed it). What's more, I imagine it wouldn't go over incredibly well when her boyfriend (who, according to hear, is somewhat the jealous type) learns she's been hanging out with one of his favorite people in the world.

That's another thing I've been thinking about. I won't lie and say I have no interest in her, as it's obvious to anyone who's even skimmed this novel, let alone read it, I'm still rather hopelessly twitterpated; but while I genuinely want to hang out with her more in a purely friendly context, I don't want to potentially cause problems with her relationship. For all I haven't been given the best first impression of the guy, I don't know him, she obviously sees something she approves of in him, and at the very least I owe all the deference a person can have to her every chance at happiness.

The real problem here is I simply can't think of any way to tell her all of without doing what I've done here (i.e. make it a big, dramatic thing) and possibly freaking her out. She does know me pretty well, so I'm fairly confident she'd see it for what it's supposed to be rather than misinterpret it to mean "I'm a crazy stalker," but I'm not yet willing to take that chance and potentially drive her away from any interaction with me for another 2-3 years--possibly longer. More to the point, I don't want to send it off and probably cause her a good deal of emotional pain and confusion. As I said above, I've given her more than enough of that already.

I used to think mosquitoes were the ultimate proof, but I think events like this are causing me to reevaluate the claim somewhat. Now I think I'd have to say it's a toss-up between the blood-suckers and hormones as the greatest proof God� is a scurvy bastard.

� shocking revelation: Subtlety is not one of my strong suits.

� ASSuming it exists

Posted at 09:54 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

9/19/2007

ARRR!

Avast, ye landlubbin' dogs! It do be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Yarrr!

Posted at 13:26 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

9/2/2007

Random Thoughts

Alrighty, being as I haven't really thought about Dawna since the morning I posted that previous entry, I'd say it's about time to get something new up.

My German class is going well. It's not a cakewalk, though it's not incredibly difficult (yet), but I'm enjoying the class a lot. I realize this statement is probably very premature, in view of the fact I've only started German and intend to tackle several more (difficult) languages thereafter, but if the experience continues to be this fun and engaging into future semesters I may have finally found a field in which to major.

'Course, it doesn't hurt there are three very cute girls therein. /smirk

I actually have the inclination to befriend two of them, one of whom I'd like to try to build something more with. She's got a little bit of a punk (?) look going, with little clear plastic stud-like things piercing her bottom lip and a small black half-ring in her nose. There is one thing that kind of turns me off about her: she has roughly checker-sized black disc things in her earlobes--the kind that are literally inside the lobe and stretch it out around them--which I'm not the biggest fan of. I don't know whether those things cause any kind of lack of sensation, but the lobes are so much fun to suck on when teasing/fooling around, I just don't understand why someone would want to deform them like that.

Not that I judge her negatively for it. I still think she's incredibly cute, and in what few (after) classroom conversations I've had with her she seems receptive, it's just one of my own personal hang-ups that exists for whatever reason. I'm certainly not going to let it put me off getting to know her better.

I'm still trying to hang out with Shelly (a girl I met in my dance class last year) when the opportunity arises as well--though those opportunities have been rather few and far between, and shaky when they do pop up. We've made plans to hang out four or five times now and it's always fallen through; going to the Circle Lounge for some sushi last night having been the latest example. We're planning to try again this upcoming weekend, though, so I'll just have to wait and see if this one finally pans out.

Finally, I know this is exposing what a huge geek I am, but then.. I am that huge geek, so that really doesn't bother me. I just gotta' say, a co-op Dynasty Warriors marathon with Ty is about the most therapeutic thing in the world. It doesn't matter what's on our minds or bothering either of us; we fire up the PS2, slaughter a couple thousand mooks Exalted-style, and all our troubles just wash away and everything feels all better.

Posted at 12:39 by woodsmoke
(1) whistling zephyrs spooked