(Pending)

8/28/2007

All Dawna, All the Time

My dreams last night were.. interesting.

A little background for those of you who don't know (i.e. everyone but Yoshi), Dawna was a good friend of mine growing up; one of the many girls I met as a child who developed into an absolute bombshell. Despite my wanting it to, nothing ever came of my adolescent attraction to her--understand, this was many years ago when I was at the height of my social ineptitude, especially where attractive females were involved.

Anyway, life progressed as it's wont to do. I dropped out of high school at the end of my junior year, she graduated the year after and moved to St. George to attend school at Dixie College. Since then I've not seen or heard anything from or about her.

This may come across as creepy to some, or more likely pathetic, but I tend to think a lot about those girls who "got away." I don't obsess about them or start behaving like Creepy Stalker Guy, they're just on my mind a lot when I'm not engaged with something else. The list isn't static, and the order of importance tends to change with time and experience, with one predictable exception: for whatever reason, Dawna has always had an ironclad grip on the top of it.

In the years since we lost touch she's entered my thoughts at various times, but what truly sticks with me are the dreams. Even when I can't remember the events of a particular dream, I almost always know with certainty whether she was in it. She's "starred" in many of them, and these are always the most intense and memorable. I can still remember with near perfect clarity a dream I had about 8 years ago, wherein I found myself standing in a maze-like house with no notion of where I was and a girl screaming my name from somewhere further inside. Following the sound I navigated my way into a room where I found Dawna sitting on the edge of a bed, holding a knife in her hands pointed toward her chest with tears literally flowing down her face, which was bright red from the exertion of her struggling to keep the knife at arm's length and screaming for me. I can still remember the feel of the carpet as I walked to her side, the feel of the bed beneath me when I sat on it, the feel of her skin when I gently pried open her hands and took the knife away, and especially the feel of her when she collapsed, shuddering and sobbing, into my arms. I could almost reproduce exactly the way I stroked her back and hair and whispered comforts to her.

In the time between then and now I've had a dozen or more such dreams, each of which I could describe in equally vivid detail. However, doing so would make this post rather longer than I intend, so I'll simply skip to last night. Ironically, I don't remember it in such stark detail. I was solicited via a note to spend time with Dawna's younger sister (of which I'm not aware she has one), with the promise of the sexual release I've so desperately needed for several years now. When I got to her house and found her sprawled out upon the couch, however, I did what seems to be an odd pattern for me and instead just sat and spoke with her, even avoiding/refusing any advances she made toward sexual activity. Eventually our conversation moved to something that upset her and she started crying, at which point I did as I'd done with Dawna in the dream all those years ago and put my arm around and comforted her. Next I remember, it was either later that night or the next day and I'd run into Dawna. We spoke a bit, and I allayed her worrying gaze by assuring her I'd done nothing to take advantage of her sister. She smiled and thanked me with a small hug, and I have never felt so filled with warmth and friendship.

I stirred to slight consciousness soon after without recollection of the rest of the dream, and as I dozed for the remaining hour and a half or so until my alarm went off I had several more dreams, each one involving Dawna in some capacity, though I don't remember the details of any of them.

A dream about Dawna would normally just be a private treasure, not something to be posted to my blog for all the world (or at least what relatively insignificant portion of it cares) to see, but I found it odd I seem to have dreamed of her virtually the whole night through. Plus such vivid dreams as that above always put me into an introspective mood, and putting my thoughts and feelings to paper (so to speak) has always been a pleasant way of working with that for me.

Though, if one were to ask me, I'm not entirely sure I'm more relieved or disappointed Dawna will probably never read this. I doubt she's forgotten me, but I also doubt she thinks of me much anymore. A beautiful, intelligent and fascinating young woman such as I knew her to be is certain to "go far," and I know she was motivated enough to have grabbed the bull by the horns and given herself a solid start in this venture known as life.

Posted at 09:19 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

8/16/2007

Noisy Interruptions

We had a fire drill at work today. In the few seconds I had to grab something before checking all the labs and making sure everyone was out (an empty gesture, as the labs are closed until school starts next Wednesday, but still necessary), I snagged the copy of Ender's Game I've been finishing out the summer with.

Now, admittedly, it was right there on the shelf and thus easily accessible, but I couldn't help but be amused by this. Instead of doing the practical thing and retrieving my helmet from the closet (which, while not strictly necessary in a legal sense, is the most valuable of assets as I ride the freeway to and from work), the first thing I was compelled to grab without thinking was the book.

Leaving aside the possible implications of the particular book (it's the only one I'm reading at the lab currently), I believe this says something about me. Not necessarily good or bad, but something in which I take pride nonetheless.

Posted at 01:11 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

8/12/2007

I need to make new friends

Not because of any deficiency on the part of those I have currently; they're great guys, and I'll fucking cut anyone who says otherwise.

The problem is simply the age disparity. Matthew, my brother, is 27, and Steve is 29 (with two children, and a girlfriend with one). Had I known them (especially Steve) when they were my age, they'd have run me ragged, but it's been a long time since then and they've both mellowed out considerably--to the point even as easy-going and introverted as I am, I feel the need to get out and do something somewhat more often than they do.

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It makes for great roommates. However, given the 5+ year disparity between myself, them and everyone they know (and, consequently, virtually everyone I meet as a result of living with them), my current situation simply doesn't lend itself well to making contacts among those of my own generation.

Gods I can't wait for school to start again. Just eleven more days (technically ten, but I have a personal system wherein the previous day doesn't end until I've gone to bed or the sun has risen).

Posted at 01:43 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

7/11/2007

Anime Night

Buckle in tight, folks. This is a long one.

So, I attended my first (impromptu) anime night last night. It was.. interesting. They were watching an episode of FLCL* when we arrived, and while a few folks went to pick up some pizza the rest of us were treated to a few episodes of Ebichu the House-Cleaning Hamster. Trust me, it's even wierder than it sounds. After that we saw a couple episodes of Chobits, which was more logical and easier to follow than FLCL and Ebichu, but still somewhat random and "cute;" a major segment of anime I'm still learning to develop an appreciation for.

*If you've never seen it, it can't be explained. FLCL isn't a show, it's a fucking experience.

Following Chobits, we started into the action/drma stuff I prefer. One episode of Fullmetal Alchemist (IMO the English dub of which actually sounds better than the original Japanese voices, which is ironic in that it's usually the English dub with is atrocious; and especially because Fullmetal was done by Funimation, which has quite possibly the worst track record of any company that does English anime dubs), part of another show we stopped prematurely upon realizing we'd jumped into a second or third season of the series (I expect to be confused by some anime, but the dialog in this was making it obvious they were referring to things which had happened in previous episodes), and ended the night with a gratuitously bloody episode of Helsing.

All in all, a decent night. I got to meet some new people, most of whose names I've already forgotten, and after we got home Steve fixed me up a margarita (sans triple-sec, unfortunately) and I actually legitimately beat him at pool for the first time. I've technically won before by him scratching on/sinking the 8 out of turn (though I consider that more a case of he lost than I won), and there have been a few times he's just totally goofed off throughout the game and given me enough time/tries to get a decent/lucky shot on the 8, but this was the first time we can remember wherein he didn't goof off excessively and I beat him. Makes this little ol' pool rookie proud.

Now for the rant.

While we were at Josh and Jody's place for anime night there was a girl subtly flirting with me, which Steve noted after the fact on the way home. I thought she was fairly attractive; not Victoria's Secret thin, but not really overweight, and kind of cute. When I said as much to Steve, he shot me The Look(tm) and said "That's what we call 'desperate girl level 2.' Don't worry man, I'll hook you up with better than that." Of course, I wasn't exactly flattered by that comment, but it did lead into a personally enlightening discussion.

Now, understand, I don't intend to bash Steve here. In addition to giving me a place to live that's not Tooele, mixing and teaching me how to mix drinks, helping me learn to play pool and probably a dozen or so other things he's done for me, he's just a great fuckin' guy who's a lot of fun to hang out with. I could go on for pages listing all his positive qualities. It's just the way he talks about relating to/approaching women that kind of makes my inner feminist cringe.

I don't remember all the details of what was said, and I don't want to unfairly attribute to Steve things he didn't say, so the account of the conversation may be sparse. I stated I don't want to approach a girl as if she's some kind of Strange and Terrifying Creature(tm) from another world. There are differences between the genders, certainly, but it's not like females are members of another species. We're all human, and I do my best to treat everyone accordingly.

Steve agreed with this, but stated the differences between what he called the disparate gender "cultures" are such a guy is virtually dealing with someone from a foreign country when approaching a woman. "Look at the lists," he said, "like the Top 100. You look at the guys on that list and, while they may not be at the top, you're going to find some pretty weasley guys. Look at the girls, however, and there won't be a weasley or unpleasant female in sight. Girls have to deal with this stuff all the time. You and I, we don't have to worry about that, we're just guys and that's pretty much that; but girls have this in their faces at all hours of every day."

Now, I'm not sure the way I interpreted this is the way he intended it, so read on with a grain of salt. I got the impression from what he was saying all women are kind of screwed up or damaged on some level, even if it's "just" less-than-stellar self-confidence or a slight need/desire for reassurance from others. I further got the impression he was advocating using that knowledge in what seems to me a somewhat unethical way; sort of exploiting a girl's insecurities for one's own benefit. Effectively turning relationships--the pursuit, construction and exercise thereof--into a numbers game; even calling it as much.

That is the point which rankles me so. As I said above, I accept and understand there are differences between the genders. Legally and culturally speaking, men and women should be considered equals and that should be the end of it, but biologically there are very real discrepancies quite beyond the obvious physiological. Even with the comment about gender "culture," he had a good point. Here in the U.S. (and possibly the western world at large) we live in a very patriarchal culture. There are some crucial and fundamental egalitarian elements, to be sure, but any honest intellectual study can only come to the painfully clear conclusion men still have an advantage in many/most areas of society simply by virtue of being men. There is undeniably some male stereotyping and pressure to conform, but it doens't seem anywhere near matching the scale of that which women face.

However, turning relationships into a "numbers game" raises the hackles on the back of my neck. It just seems wrong somehow. And the idea all women are to some degree damaged by our culture and one can use that to one's advantage in dealing with them seems infinitely more so.

I'm okay with the idea of educating myself on "female culture." Knowledge is power, and I've yet to come across any such I believe would be harmful in some way to gain. Using it incorrectly or for an unethical purpose can certainly be harmful, but knowledge by itself, as with all other tools, is inherently neutral and without malice. At any rate, as I said, I can't see any reason not to learn about "female culture," even with the intention of then using that knowledge to better relate to and communicate with women--it's just the idea of using it for personal gain that leaves a bad taste in my mouth (maybe I'm more friendly to Wiccan values than I thought). If I'm going to learn (some of) what it's like to be a woman growing up in a subtly, but very truly patriarchal culture, I at least like to think I'd then use that knowledge in some way to help the women I know overcome any "baggage" or "damage" they might have from the experience, maybe even (if I were someone else) go bigger and use that knowledge to challenge the establishment which causes such harm in the first place.

Again--and I can't state this enough--I am not in any way criticising or bashing on Steve here. It's entirely possible I simply misunderstood his intended meaning with some things; and even if he does "study women" with the intent of using that knowledge to improve his own success in relationships with them, I'm certain there exists no malicious intent of any kind. Ultimately, it proabably comes down to a simple case of "people are different and have different ways of relating to/associating with one another." I'm not decrying his opinions, in fact he probably stopped having anything to do with this entry several paragraphs ago; it's simply some of the things he said as we were speaking last night were the catalyst of my current thoughts, so I wanted to provide the necessary background thereof.

Going back to the beginning, while we were at Josh and Jody's place and the girl was flirting with me, all that mattered in my reckoning was I thought she was cute and she seemed to reciprocate the attraction. Whether or not she was likely to win beauty pageants, make a phenomenal discovery, write a revolutionary thesis, create a great work of art or even just be good in the sack was of literally no importance to me.

I'm attracted to her and she's showing a reciprocal interest. When dealing with women in a romantic context, those two facts are all I need to know. Everything else is just gravy.

Posted at 11:10 by woodsmoke
(2) whistling zephyrs spooked

7/8/2007

The Morning After

Okay, so it's really the following night, but I hope you can forgive my apathy.

This post is pretty much being made only to say I'll do my best to never get that drunk and allow myself access to any type of online "sounding board" again.

As I said in the previous post, I really do feel that way about this particular conundrum, but there is of course more to it than simply wanting to get laid while also wanting a more lasting and intimate relationship. For example, there's the fact I'm not the most outgoing person you're ever likely to meet. A shocker, I know.

Anyway, as I said, just.. apologies for the shit-faced "poor me." I really do promise not to let it happen again.

Posted at 01:34 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

7/7/2007

The Intellectual's Plight

Though I don't want anyone who may happen to read this to discount everything I type out of hand, as these are my true feelings, I should warn any prospective readers I'm coming down from being almost as drunk as I've ever been; so take the following with a grain of inebriated salt.

You know, sometimes being an intellectual just seriously fucking sucks.

And not in the good way.

On the one hand, I really need to get laid, regardless of the "source." (and yes, I feel terrible for referring to a woman, even one unnamed and there simply for the purpose of our mutual sexual gratification, by such an impersonal word as "source")

On the other, I don't just want a one-night stand, but an emotional comrade with whom I can both have regular sex, and--of at least equal importance--discuss the things important to me such as politics, religion, philosophy, etcetera. (which is not to say I don't expect to discuss the things important to her--though, ideally, we'd share such interests--merely I wish for nothing more than to meet an intelligent young woman who won't immediately disqualify me for listening to NPR rather than the local independent/corporate music station)

I suppose, despite the wonderfulness of alcohol (which, I've found, truly does live up to the name "liquid courage"), that's simply the unfortunate burden I bear for having had the misfortune of being born/living in Utah. (I'm sober enough to realize this last paragraph is a pity party, but drunk enough to include it anyway)

Posted at 05:42 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

6/25/2007

Hooray for moving, the arts festival and getting shot down!

Okay, so I cut the shit out of my lip while shaving this morning, missed breakfast and was late to work because I was trying to stifle the blood flow, and the clip that lets me hang my helmet on the side of my bike fell off somewhere between the house and campus (probably somewhere on the freeway), but I'm trying not to let that sour me on the rest of the day.

This past Saturday I was finally able to find someone with a truck and move in with Steve and my brother in Sandy. Not everything is unloaded yet, and I need to find a new computer desk and make a trip to the store to stock up on groceries, but I'm pretty well set up. I was also somewhat suddenly and unexpectedly invited by Shelly to a toga party that night, but moving took significantly longer than I expected it to (even trying to live minimalistically I have way too much crap), so I had to take a rain check and promise (again) to invite her to the next party at my place.

Yesterday saw me sleeping in 'til almost noon (which isn't quite so condemning when one factors in I went to bed at 3) did a lot of discussing plans and such with Steve without really accomplishing much of anything, then went with he and his girlfriend to the Utah Arts Festival in the evening. There wasn't much of interest to me as far as wares, and what few things there were were far beyond my price range. There were, however, people in out in abundance to be watched, which kept me entertained throughout most of the night. We saw a troupe of belly dancers who I thought were rather good (not to mention attractive), there was a sort of dance and fashion show that was mildly interesting, a ballet performance on one stage and a Caribbean-style band on another, a capoeira and samba fire-dance show we didn't manage to see, all topped off by a late-night performance by the Preservation Hall Jazz Band. By the end of their performance there were only a few stuffy farts still in their seats, and almost the whole time they were playing I was itching to get up and dance, and would have given just about anything for a swing partner. A few other folks did get up and put on a show for us, which I applauded wholly.

By far the best part of the night, though, was at the end of their performance when I finally managed to muster up the courage to approach a girl I'd had my eye on since just after they'd started playing. She was standing off to one side of the stage when I first noticed her, back to the lights so I couldn't see her very well, but it was obvious she was cute regardless of the obscuring shadow. I was grinning like a fool at the general mood the band was creating, and when I looked at her a few times I would swear she looked and smiled back at me (despite my being just another face in the crowd, I'm sure), which I think was the motivator I needed. At any rate, as the band was wrapping up their last song, I bit the bullet. Her name was Courtney, she doesn't know how to swing dance either (I do know East Coast Swing, but given the fact the only people who do that style are couples over 70 and dance troupes in competitions, I consider myself essentially ignorant), and when I asked if she'd like to learn together she turned me down. /rueful grin Still, given my history with approaching girls (that is to say, never doing it), I considered it a victory all the same simply for being able to grab the bull by the horns and making it happen.

After last night, I've become keenly aware of a distinct absence of dancing in my life over the past several months. Now I finally live in the Salt Lake valley and it's not a 45 minute trip to the MAC, I'm thinking I may look into taking the various style lessons they offer.

Posted at 10:39 by woodsmoke
(2) whistling zephyrs spooked

6/18/2007

Nothing Fails Like My Car

So, the clutch in my car just went out.

For the third time in a month and a half.

Exhibiting the exact same behavior all three times.

The first time, I just chalked it up to being a 12 year old car with 200,000 miles on it. One of the local mechanics here in town whom my parents trust replaced the slave and master cylinders and it ran great again.

The second time came 3 weeks later and 200 miles away while I was visiting family in Vernal. Though frustrated, I was willing to believe it could be a similar problem they simply hadn't caught the first time. The family-trusted mechanic out there replaced the slave cylinder (again). I had to use the Probe for a week until it, too, bit the dust and I was totally without transportation for another week (as my bike was also in the shop for a pair of broken gaskets).

I got the car back the Saturday before last, and it was kind enough to get me back from Taylorsville where I work to the county courthouse just a couple blocks from my house. After picking up yet another new lisence plate for my motorcycle (another rant for another time), it had given all it could give, and I had to gather up my things and walk home.

I took the key down to the mechanic who fixed it the first time and told him the story. He told me because the slave cylinder had been replaced again by someone else it would no longer be on warranty with them, and I went home. Thinking about it later, I got to wondering. If the slave cylinder went bad and had to be replaced 3 weeks after he supposedly fixed it, how does that absolve him of liability for what was obviously a brittle, shitty, malfunctioned part? I understand I didn't take it back to him to get it repaired again--BECAUSE I WAS TWO HUNDRED MOTHER FUCKING MILES AWAY!!

Thankfully, as I said, my parents have been long-time customers of his, and my Dad said he'll talk to him to see about getting something done; because having to pay for the third repair on a problem they should have fixed correctly the first time--especially if it involves replacing another mother fucking cylinder--is, quite frankly, bull shit.

At least my motorcycle is fixed and working properly again so I'm not totally without transportation. My car going out of comission again does create a problem with moving this weekend, though. Before, all I'd needed was a truck to transport my bed, as everything else I own and care to move can fit in my car (the biggest thing being my computer desk, which can be broken down). Now that's shot to hell.

I'm about one more slight mechanical problem away from swearing off cars forever and moving down south where I can just ride a motorcycle year-round.

Posted at 21:17 by woodsmoke
shoot the breeze

6/16/2007

Coolest. News story. EVAR.

Cambodian Troops Quarantine Quan'sul
Following minor outbreak of "zombism."

Unfortunately, a quick fact check on Snopes reveals it to be a fake.

For about ten minutes there, I was the most excited person on Earth.

Le sigh.

Posted at 20:16 by woodsmoke
(2) whistling zephyrs spooked

5/21/2007

Finances > Academics

For the summer, at any rate. After pulling off a phenomenal D+ average last semester, not finding terribly much to interest me during the shorter summer session, and several unforseen expenditures which have reduced my patiently accumulated near $1K savings to a paltry few hundred I've decided the best (if not necessarily most desireable) course of action is to take a break for the summer and try to rebuild that financial buffer again.

I had been planning to repeat Math 1010 and begin learning Spanish this summer, but another set of unfortunate circumstances led to my dropping the math class, and despite my real desire for the experience of new languages I just couldn't justify the $600 minimum truition for one class.

So here I sit; no homework, no deadlines, and--hopefully--the wisdom to use this time as a preparation of sorts for the resumption thereof come autumn.

Now I just need to figure out whether I still want to find a place in SLC and add rent to my monthly expenses (thereby somewhat undermining my stated reason for not taking classes over the summer) or try to find within me some deep reserve of personal fortitude which will be necessary to last another 3 months in the social wasteland I currently inhabit.

Posted at 19:54 by woodsmoke
(1) whistling zephyrs spooked