A little background for those of you who don't know (i.e. everyone but Yoshi), Dawna was a good friend of mine growing up; one of the many girls I met as a child who developed into an absolute bombshell. Despite my wanting it to, nothing ever came of my adolescent attraction to her--understand, this was many years ago when I was at the height of my social ineptitude, especially where attractive females were involved.
Anyway, life progressed as it's wont to do. I dropped out of high school at the end of my junior year, she graduated the year after and moved to St. George to attend school at Dixie College. Since then I've not seen or heard anything from or about her.
This may come across as creepy to some, or more likely pathetic, but I tend to think a lot about those girls who "got away." I don't obsess about them or start behaving like Creepy Stalker Guy, they're just on my mind a lot when I'm not engaged with something else. The list isn't static, and the order of importance tends to change with time and experience, with one predictable exception: for whatever reason, Dawna has always had an ironclad grip on the top of it.
In the years since we lost touch she's entered my thoughts at various times, but what truly sticks with me are the dreams. Even when I can't remember the events of a particular dream, I almost always know with certainty whether she was in it. She's "starred" in many of them, and these are always the most intense and memorable. I can still remember with near perfect clarity a dream I had about 8 years ago, wherein I found myself standing in a maze-like house with no notion of where I was and a girl screaming my name from somewhere further inside. Following the sound I navigated my way into a room where I found Dawna sitting on the edge of a bed, holding a knife in her hands pointed toward her chest with tears literally flowing down her face, which was bright red from the exertion of her struggling to keep the knife at arm's length and screaming for me. I can still remember the feel of the carpet as I walked to her side, the feel of the bed beneath me when I sat on it, the feel of her skin when I gently pried open her hands and took the knife away, and especially the feel of her when she collapsed, shuddering and sobbing, into my arms. I could almost reproduce exactly the way I stroked her back and hair and whispered comforts to her.
In the time between then and now I've had a dozen or more such dreams, each of which I could describe in equally vivid detail. However, doing so would make this post rather longer than I intend, so I'll simply skip to last night. Ironically, I don't remember it in such stark detail. I was solicited via a note to spend time with Dawna's younger sister (of which I'm not aware she has one), with the promise of the sexual release I've so desperately needed for several years now. When I got to her house and found her sprawled out upon the couch, however, I did what seems to be an odd pattern for me and instead just sat and spoke with her, even avoiding/refusing any advances she made toward sexual activity. Eventually our conversation moved to something that upset her and she started crying, at which point I did as I'd done with Dawna in the dream all those years ago and put my arm around and comforted her. Next I remember, it was either later that night or the next day and I'd run into Dawna. We spoke a bit, and I allayed her worrying gaze by assuring her I'd done nothing to take advantage of her sister. She smiled and thanked me with a small hug, and I have never felt so filled with warmth and friendship.
I stirred to slight consciousness soon after without recollection of the rest of the dream, and as I dozed for the remaining hour and a half or so until my alarm went off I had several more dreams, each one involving Dawna in some capacity, though I don't remember the details of any of them.
A dream about Dawna would normally just be a private treasure, not something to be posted to my blog for all the world (or at least what relatively insignificant portion of it cares) to see, but I found it odd I seem to have dreamed of her virtually the whole night through. Plus such vivid dreams as that above always put me into an introspective mood, and putting my thoughts and feelings to paper (so to speak) has always been a pleasant way of working with that for me.
Though, if one were to ask me, I'm not entirely sure I'm more relieved or disappointed Dawna will probably never read this. I doubt she's forgotten me, but I also doubt she thinks of me much anymore. A beautiful, intelligent and fascinating young woman such as I knew her to be is certain to "go far," and I know she was motivated enough to have grabbed the bull by the horns and given herself a solid start in this venture known as life.