That said...
Last weekend, after Ty's b-day party suddenly wrapped up rather earlier than we'd expected, I was roped into going to Tooele for the second time in as many days. I had been out doing laundry and visiting my folks--which are usually my only reasons for going, and the former only until I can figure out what I need to do to help Steve set up the washer/dryer at our house--the day before, and quite frankly I moved to Sandy specifically to get away from that Small Town Hell, so I wasn't exactly ecstatic about the idea.
We went to Trax, the only pseudo-club in the county (never mind the city), to meet up with one of Phil's girlfriends. Nothing of note happened until I suddenly noticed a friend (also an ex-girlfriend, but I identify her with the former) there whom I haven't seen in several years, and whom I never would have expected to see at a bar. Turns out she's changed a bit since we'd last spoken. She drinks socially now and has forsaken abstinence land, and... well, to preface; I've always been attracted to her, and it may have summat to do with the fact I haven't seen her in so long or I'm so keenly feeling the misery of a chronic case of Single, but, quite simply, she looked incredible.
We spoke a bit, asked the requisite "what's going ons" and "what have you been up tos," I chimed in with the "who are you and what have you done with (my friend)" the situation demanded (to which she replied "I got her drunk"); she noticed my distinct lack of hair volume from the last time we saw each other and I was totally oblivious to her own haircut until she pointed it out (though I lucked into it not appearing that way). Then I come to find out her boyfriend, whom I've yet to even meet, apparently doesn't quite think I'm the gods' gift to Earth. Fair enough, no surprise there, but when I asked her why she replied because I "made her feel comfortable with herself."
Cue cognitive dissonance.
Search me as to why that would be a reason to dislike your SO's ex. Lord knows I've been enough of an ass to her over the years (and in reference to some episodes that's putting it very nicely) he should have plenty of more conventionally understandable reasons to develop a less-than-polished opinion of me, it seems odd he would latch on to that one. By way of explanation, she informed me she was no longer a virgin when she started dating him--which, apparently, is sufficient cause to make some guys upset. Once again, search me; I can't fathom why this would be considered a bad thing by anyone who doesn't have their head stuck up the ass of conservative ignorance. I honestly prefer to date women who've already gotten over their virginity so I don't have to deal with the bullshit mythology our culture has built up around it and she doesn't have to be the unfortunate victim of my merciless dispelling thereof. Editor's note: perhaps here could be found a clue explaining part of the reason our lonely friend is in said state.
Author's note: Punch editor.
Anyway, moving on...
After our little chat we separated while she got a drink, and a little while later I was rather unceremoniously pulled away from my friends and on to what passes for the dance floor at Trax, where she proceeded to "dance" with me in what may be the most wonderful fashion ever devised. Suffice to say, Pour Some Sugar On Me may have worked its way into my personal top 10.
The night progressed with us getting to chat a bit more every now and then, her running a finger along my spine or a hand through my hair every time she passed and me watching her somewhat intently¹ every time she stepped on to the dance floor. If it weren't for my near certainty she has no idea I even have a blog, much less where it is (I just won't even go into desire to read it), I would be somewhat loathe to state we both acted rather like her boyfriend is simply a figment of others' imaginations. Eventually it came time for Ty and I to leave, and that's when the thinking began.
When she'd told me at the beginning of the night she's no longer a virgin, she went on to explain she hadn't told me because she knows how much it frustrates me the same thing happened with my ex--I had done my best to help both of them see themselves the way I saw them rather than through the psychological negative self-image filter they had when I met them, and in both cases the relationship had ended before I could "reap the rewards" of my efforts, so to speak (and gods, but I feel terrible stating it like that). In the ex's case I kept in touch with her afterward, and thus was party to that knowledge. Being as I was 18, just long enough off the action train to be feeling the lack and still about as stupid as I've ever been when dealing with women, I was feeling "a little bit" of resentment.
Thing is, when my friend told me this it was like a light bulb suddenly went on inside my head. The reason I'd felt the resentment toward my ex and her current boyfriend was the root of my attraction to her had always been purely physical. Sure, we get along well enough if we force ourselves to, but really, when we're not flirting or fooling around we have virtually no common ground upon which to build a real, substantial relationship. As such, on the subconscious level all I'd ever really wanted from her was physical gratification (which is not to say I was intentionally using her; there was desire and ignorance aplenty in our relationship, but never malice), and when someone else got that instead of me, I felt (however falsely) betrayed.
In the case of my friend, however--well, I should think the way I refer to each woman speaks for itself. When she told me I'd had a hand in her becoming comfortable with herself, I felt a burst of pride and an intense gratitude. Pride because I was so very proud of her for having grown to that point, and gratitude because I'm so very grateful to have played a supporting part in that process. I don't mean to derrogate my ex, but physical attraction aside my friend and I have always shared huge levels of geekiness, a proudly sarastic sense of humor, a talent for and love of debating, similar personalities and any number of common interests. It's why, as I pointed out, we've remained friends despite all the stupid shit I've done while I've since come to see my ex as merely that.
It's also why I haven't been able to get her out of my head since that chance encounter at Trax last week. Every time we see/speak to each other after a long period of no contact, we tell each other how much we miss "arguing" with the other, how much we miss the company of someone as sarcastic as we are, who'll laugh at one barb and shoot back with another rather than take unintenteded offense or simply miss the joke altogether. This time was no exception, and I'm still feeling that now. My roommates are both great guys with whom I can trade sarcastic remarks all day, and my buddy who lives in West Valley and who I've known practically since I was old enough to form memories is excellent for just hanging out and shooting the shit or playing games with, but--well, it's not that I enjoy her company more, so much as she is her own unique experience, just like they are.
I finally managed to catch her at home the other day, and I learned she made the same "mistake" I did my first semester; taking 15+ credit hours of classes and working (except she's working full time!), so she barely has time to breathe, let alone hang out with her (ex-boy)friend who she hasn't heard from in years and who, up to this point, has been a "shining example" of human potential and positive behavior (I don't know as I'll ever understand how I "made her feel comfortable"; I was usually too busy trying to get into her pants and often acting like a total ass afterward regardless of whether she allowed it). What's more, I imagine it wouldn't go over incredibly well when her boyfriend (who, according to hear, is somewhat the jealous type) learns she's been hanging out with one of his favorite people in the world.
That's another thing I've been thinking about. I won't lie and say I have no interest in her, as it's obvious to anyone who's even skimmed this novel, let alone read it, I'm still rather hopelessly twitterpated; but while I genuinely want to hang out with her more in a purely friendly context, I don't want to potentially cause problems with her relationship. For all I haven't been given the best first impression of the guy, I don't know him, she obviously sees something she approves of in him, and at the very least I owe all the deference a person can have to her every chance at happiness.
The real problem here is I simply can't think of any way to tell her all of without doing what I've done here (i.e. make it a big, dramatic thing) and possibly freaking her out. She does know me pretty well, so I'm fairly confident she'd see it for what it's supposed to be rather than misinterpret it to mean "I'm a crazy stalker," but I'm not yet willing to take that chance and potentially drive her away from any interaction with me for another 2-3 years--possibly longer. More to the point, I don't want to send it off and probably cause her a good deal of emotional pain and confusion. As I said above, I've given her more than enough of that already.
I used to think mosquitoes were the ultimate proof, but I think events like this are causing me to reevaluate the claim somewhat. Now I think I'd have to say it's a toss-up between the blood-suckers and hormones as the greatest proof God² is a scurvy bastard.
¹ shocking revelation: Subtlety is not one of my strong suits.
² ASSuming it exists